Bonnie Harris Connective Parenting

Bonnie Harris July Newsletter

Fri, 23 Jul 2010 14:05:03 -0400

Lesson: Beach Dialogue: Lessons learned

I was at the beach on the Jersey shore over the 4th of July and overheard snippets of interactions from a very nice looking family not too far from us.

I thought to myself that this had to be shared with my readers. It is the most simple teaching tool of all. A video of the scene would have been better but …! Here are a few disjointed pieces of dialogue.

Mom (to her maybe 5 yr. old son): "Come on, you're going in the water."
Son (crying): "No, I don't want to."
Mom: "Are you going to make me pour a bucket of water over you? Stop that whining. One more minute and that bathing suit comes off and I'm going to spank your bottom."

Bonnie Harris June Newsletter

Wed, 07 Jul 2010 13:35:17 -0400

With the long structured school days behind them for the next two months, children have their sought after freedom from constant direction and the pressure of adult time schedules. After the initial newness of vacation wears off, cries of boredom may become a parent's latest undoing...

Bonnie Harris May Column

Thu, 27 May 2010 13:31:20 -0400

Are you choosing the right summer activities for your child?

With summer vacation fast approaching, what to do for your kids becomes an issue. How do you choose the right programs or activities? Sometimes it's clear and your child knows just what he wants. Often it just isn't.

The Connective Parenting May Newsletter

Wed, 26 May 2010 13:31:10 -0400

Lesson: Risk-Taking = Competence Building

While on vacation, I witnessed this demonstration of jumping and diving from a very high cliff (picture is less dramatic than reality!) into the very active surf of the Pacific Ocean. This group of 6 fathers and 7 sons, all around the age of 10, took turns careening into the waves and climbing back for another shot. At first I was aghast, making a quick assumption that this was reckless behavior allowed by irresponsible fathers. I quickly changed my mind as I watched and learned. It was clear they knew what they were doing. Several of these fathers, having grown up in the ocean, were giving their sons a lesson in competence...

Bonnie Harris April Column

Wed, 26 May 2010 13:30:59 -0400

How do you define discipline?

Often when I talk about the benefits of shared power, connection, and problem solving, a parent will ask me, “Are you saying that we shouldn’t discipline our children?” or “Isn’t that undermining my authority?” Great questions.

The Connective Parenting April Newsletter

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 09:41:52 -0400

Lesson: Setting up for Success

The fourth principle in Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids is expectations must be set for success. This is the opposite of what we typically and unintentionally do with our children. When we criticize, blame, and judge their behavior, we may think we are teaching a lesson, but what we are doing is setting our children up to fail. By complaining about what they are doing, yelling at them to stop, losing your cool, you are focusing on what they are doing wrong and keeping their attention where you don't want it. Self-fulfilling prophesies lead children to believe they are troublemakers when they hear it enough. When they believe it, they behave like troublemakers, because children behave the way they perceive they are expected to behave. It's a law of human behavior.

Bonnie Harris March Column

Fri, 02 Apr 2010 09:55:28 -0400

How Children Learn Best

The article Playing to Learn by Susan Engel, published in The New York Times in February, was a response to the Obama administration's plan for reforming the assessment of our schools. Engel argues that first we need to overhaul the curriculum before judging any school's effectiveness. I couldn't agree more. School curriculum must fit with what child development experts have known for so long about how children learn best. It seems that our schools' agendas often work counter to a child's natural development. And why? Because schools must focus on test results in order to get funding. What is wrong with this picture? This trickle-down problem is clearly not working for our children.

The Connective Parenting March Newsletter

Sun, 28 Mar 2010 12:19:29 -0400

Lesson: Ammunition

When push comes to shove during those times of low tolerance—getting out the door in the morning, getting your child to listen, pick up toys, brush teeth, do homework, get off the computer, you name it--and your child is resisting, what do you do? I've heard more than once, "I bring out the ammunition." Whether it's yelling, threatening, bribing, or taking away privileges, do you go for that "big gun" you can count on to get the job done? Each time, it means a little chink is taken out of your relationship, from your child's trust. Yeah, but aren't there just times you have to draw the line?

The Connective Parenting February Newsletter

Mon, 01 Mar 2010 09:42:19 -0500

Lesson: Power: Use and AbuseWe all abuse power with our children. We either grab onto it or toss it away. Rarely do we share it with our children. How often do you keep all the power by threatening, yelling, name calling, grabbing, punishing? Do you lose your power by giving up, giving in, and letting your children do whatever they want because it's just easier?

"When Your Kids Push Your Buttons" video (part 2)

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 10:06:25 -0500

Bonnie Harris offers a workshop based on her books, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and Confident Parents Remarkable Kids, 8 Principles for Raising Kids You'll Love to Live With. Please check these videos out if they interest you and if they do, please pass them on to others you think might find them interesting.

"When Your Kids Push Your Buttons" video (part 1)

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 10:06:30 -0500

Bonnie Harris offers a workshop based on her books, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and Confident Parents Remarkable Kids, 8 Principles for Raising Kids You'll Love to Live With. Please check them out if it interests you and if it does, please pass them on to others you think might find them interesting.

Bonnie Harris February Column

Mon, 01 Feb 2010 09:14:45 -0500

What does authority mean in your family?

I want to start the new year off with a discussion on authority. Many parents question my advocacy of sharing power with a child, rather than holding power over a child because they fear losing authority. In my mind, the family is a team; a team that forms a strong foundation for each of its members; a home base from which each member gains the confidence and strength to leave the base and contribute positively to society. So how does a successful team function?

The Connective Parenting January Newsletter

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 14:17:21 -0500

Lesson: Mirroring and Modeling

The beginning of a new year often inspires us with hope and plans for the future and setting intentions for what we want. Let me add one for your list:

Be who you want your children to be.

Bonnie Harris January Column

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 14:20:41 -0500

Sleep: New findings on how it makes children thinner, calmer, smarter, and happier

Is your child getting enough sleep? Our children are getting an average of an hour less sleep than they did thirty years ago and it’s costing big time. New evidence shows some startling facts. Because children’s brains are a work in progress until the age of at least 21, and much of that development occurs during sleep cycles, sleep’s impact on children is far greater than on adults.

Bonnie Harris December Newsletter

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 11:08:50 -0500

Lesson: Being Right vs. Being Present

When we engage in power struggles with our children, we are invested in being right. When we must be right—"I'm the parent, I know best. You must do what I say."—the child is left feeling powerless and necessarily fights back to preserve integrity; either that or the easy-going child submits again and again learning in the process to seek the approval of others to gauge her self-worth. The power struggle nails us in a position of having to be right. Backing down from the fight is too vulnerable a position for most parents. We expect the child to back down, to give up, to acknowledge being wrong—in other words, we expect the child to be the grown-up first.

Bonnie Harris December Column

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 17:02:20 -0500

With Thanksgiving barely in the rear-view mirror, many families are likely reeling from the day, relieved it’s over. So many experience the day fraught with tension. Before the critical eyes of friends and relatives, many children likely caused their parents embarrassment and stress, provoking angry, judgmental looks, comments and reactions, which in turn prompted more embarrassing behavior. More children today seem to have a take-everything-for-granted attitude, and thankfulness is furthest from their minds. What happened to Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving dinners? How do we teach our children gratitude and thankfulness?

Bonnie Harris November Newsletter

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 12:12:41 -0500

What is the balance of power like in your home? Do you hold the power or does your child? Are you the boss or does it feel like your child is? Often we fluctuate back and forth so no one really knows where they stand and what to expect from one day to the next. When any one person in the family feels powerless, they are compelled to grab for it and hoard it.That always means rendering someone else powerless.

Bonnie Harris November Column

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:29:03 -0500

Keeping Our Children Safe: Transforming Fear into Confidence.
When you were an adolescent, were you a risk taker or a risk avoider? Our experiences in childhood greatly influence how we help or hinder our children as we project our own experiences in their direction, if not directly onto their path. If you were a risk taker, you might either encourage that quality in your children or become controlling in an attempt to protect them from the experiences you knew all too well. If you were more risk avoidant, you will have a hard time understanding a child who is a risk taker and may try to control and orchestrate their experiences to insure your peace of mind.