Do you want to feel more confident in your parenting decisions and actions? Do you want a mutually respectful and loving relationship with your kids? Do you want a little more cooperation in your family?
Here is the book you’ll wish your parents had — because then you would have more of that confidence you long for.
When a child believes he is bad, he behaves badly; and parents react badly. This reconfirms for the child that he is bad. The age-old cycle of reward and punishment keeps spinning in order to maintain control. But punishment (consequences) is only an illusion of control. Most parents know it doesn’t work, because they end up feeling more out of control, their children “don’t listen” and resistance grows. But they don’t know what else to do.
If you find yourself in this most unhappy place, you want answers.
I hear parents complain all the time, “I’ve tried everything and nothing works.” The problem is that “everything” does not include what you truly need — a new understanding of your child and what her behavior really means.
“But if I don’t punish (use consequences), what do I do?”
The old reward and punishment system of discipline creates a disconnected relationship in which children feel unaccepted and misunderstood resulting in resistance and anger. Yet even when parents understand this, they are hard pressed to know an alternative. The answer to this question is found in a balanced relationship where blame and punishment are replaced with problem solving and holding clear boundaries — a more compassionate approach that teaches responsibility and accountability and brings parent and child together in life-long connection.
In 8 clear and simple principles of understanding children and how to most effectively respond, Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids outlines step-by-step the “what else” you can do. Full of real life stories, Confident Parents is a “how-to” of shifting your mindset so you see your child through the eyes of understanding and compassion as opposed to the anger and frustration that usually accompany the daily struggles of life in the trenches with kids.
You can improve your child’s behavior. But not through control and arbitrary coercion. It takes a change in perception — yours. Do you see your child as mean or selfish? Or do you see that he is having a hard time controlling his impulses? Or that he is in an egocentric stage of development and cannot yet be expected to consider others? Your perception makes all the difference in how you respond to even the worst behavior. It’s about switching from judgments and criticism to what is really going on.
When you think your child never listens, you will forcefully control to make sure she does. In this place of frustration, you miss the relationship piece, and do not understand what she may be hearing in your tone or words that she is shutting out. When a parent understands how important the parent/child relationship is — the foundation of your life-long influence — the desire for holding power over your child (He has to listen to me because I’m his parent) switches to a more balanced relationship in which your child feels trusted, accepted, understood, and an important member of the family.
Using these 8 parenting principles designed to help you help your children succeed, you will learn the following truths:
- my child wants to please me more than anything (even when he says he hates me)
- behavior is my clue to my child’s emotional state and tells me all I need to know
- unacceptable behavior means my child is having a problem not being a problem
- my needs are no more or no less important than my child’s, and many more…
- Plus you will learn the skills of connective communication, problem solving, and conflict resolution — the most important skills you can learn and teach your children.
In the second half, the book applies all 8 principles in 7 typical daily situations like getting out the door, mealtime, homework, chores, sibling fights, etc. These stories put the 8 principles into action to show you how they work.
If you’d like to read the introduction click here.
- What do you do that makes connection with your kids? Or what breaks connection?
Leave your answer in a comment below by midnight on Wednesday July 12 for a chance to win your free copy of Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids. On the 13th, I will use a random number generator to determine the winner and will email you.
Congratulations to our winner, Jan Grossman. The random number generator chose #39 out of 39 comments!!