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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | July 2010 |
Lesson: Beach Dialogue: Lessons learned
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I thought to myself that this had to be shared with my readers. It is the most simple teaching tool of all. A video of the scene would have been better but …! Here are a few disjointed pieces of dialogue.
Mom (to her maybe 5 yr. old son): "Come on, you're going in the water."
Son (crying): "No, I don't want to."
Mom: "Are you going to make me pour a bucket of water over you? Stop that whining. One more minute and that bathing suit comes off and I'm going to spank your bottom."
She asked him to do something and he refused.
Mom: "Well then if you don't do what I want, I won't do what you want. I'm not giving you any Cheez-its." To the others, tauntingly, "Who wants Cheez-its. They're so good." To her son, who says he wants some, "No, you can't have any."
Mom (taking a picture of him), "Open your eyes, butthead."
Dad was bagging his surfboard. In response to something his son said: "That's because you're a weenie. You were off whining."
When they were leaving, the boy was told to carry his bucket full of things, and he didn't want to. Mom said he had to, and she and her sister walked off and left him. He began crying. Dad, who hadn't heard the interaction was still behind packing his things and asked him what was wrong. Very nastily the boy screamed at him, "Nothing!" Dad: "You speak to me like that again and you're in the water." Dad ignored him after that. They left and the boy lagged behind screaming all the way.
The interactions between the parents and their son were filled with empty threats, nasty tones and power held over him--all attempts to get him to mind. This adorable little boy, I fear, is growing into a more and more resistant and defiant child who, in no time at all, will leave his parents in a quandary, wondering, How do we control him? What happened? I've tried everything and nothing works.
Interactions such as these, show ever so clearly how the seeds of defiance and disobedience are nourished. As painful as they are to witness, similar dialogue often goes unnoticed in our own homes. These everyday occurrences pass by us unnoticed and unexamined but slowly build a wall between our children and ourselves. Behind that wall, children spend a great deal of time defending themselves and their integrity, passing the blame, not doing what they are told, closing their ears to anticipated blame and criticism—the resistance that confuses and angers us. Parents of course are a very powerful force young children have no control over and are the most important, loved people in their lives. Sad isn't it?
Even when plenty of love is present, daily angry and frustrated interactions become ordinary and normal. Communication patterns build that are hard to break. And soon we are wondering what happened to that child we once could control with our threats who has now become our most feared nightmare. He may have a temperament that complies, and so he learns to do as he is told to get his needs met, but he loses himself in the process. Or he may have more of a strong will and resists until he finally has the ability to turn things around and punish those who have punished him. Which type of child do you have? What do you foresee in your future relationship?
- Pay attention to the words and tone you use. Don't let them go unnoticed.
- Never give empty threats-never give threats at all.
- Take the time now to listen to what your child is trying to tell you even if it comes out in a whine or resistant tone.
- Even if your child has to do what he is told, acknowledge his agenda and let him know you understand his feelings-be considerate.
- Ask yourself if you are holding power over your child to get him to comply. If so, back off and ask, "How can we make this work for both of us?"
- Treat your child like the person you want him to become.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical details.
Intervention with strangers
Q. The beach commentary and threats you shared in the last newsletter are similar to the kinds of running thoughts we all have as we push our overbearing, willful agendas around the daily board filled with life's obstacles. When I was a harried and clueless mother, I was guilty of these behaviors as your beach family (I'd like to think it wasn't that bad, but it probably was). Now, thanks to you and to the opportunity my new grandparent role gives me, I have the time to think before I act with my granddaughter. Sometimes at the park I am so disheartened by what is going on with others I can get very self-righteous and indignant. I want to go over and clobber the offending parent. Which brings me to my question. What do you do if you see someone hitting their child? I reprimanded a neighbor who I heard spanking his child so loudly from inside his house that I could not bear it. He did not consider that spanking was hitting. I told him it was abusive and against the law and ordered him to "use his words" ha.
A. I'm often asked this question and I don't have a good answer. I once spoke to a woman who was hitting her son over the head repeatedly as they were walking down the street toward me. When they got to me, I said, "Stop hitting this boy." She then turned on me, and I couldn't get away fast enough! Many people suggest going up to a parent who has clearly lost it and offering help. Personally I would feel patronized and worse than I already did, but you can certainly try it. My policy, being a professional is that I don't give advice unless asked. That carries over for me to public life. However, if you see obvious abuse, I think it is important to intervene and try to get the parties apart. This is not easy. Giving advice or lectures falls on deaf ears. You might try, "This is abuse and I can report you. Please stop." Depending on the response, you could offer to watch a child while the parent cools down. We have to hope that the offending party will see the error of his/her ways. The old adage, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" is one that applies to daily parenting!
Handwriting and drawing
Q. I have a 4 ½ yr old son. He attended a playgroup when he was 2, pre-nursery at 3 and now he is in nursery. The school's curriculum is play-based so he enjoys his time there. My concern is his handwriting skills. I know some 4 yr olds who can write and draw well. My son can only write his first name, but when I ask him to practice writing he will ask me to do it instead. He enjoys coloring and painting but when he does it, there are no images, just a paper full of colors (mostly orange). He will say it's a castle or a map to the treasure, but when I ask where the treasure is, he will say, it's buried in the sand (the picture was the sand). I am not sure if he is delayed when it comes to handwriting skills. Should I enroll him in some enrichment class? Or is it just normal?
A. I wouldn't worry about your son's handwriting. He may be slower in developing fine motor skills and probably has good gross motor skills. Children "choose" their focus. There can be delays in certain areas while others soar. Let him draw however he wants, and you draw your own pictures with him. If he wants you to write, find a balance. Encourage him but don't refuse to do it. He may just be wanting to watch how you do it. Don't try to make him do anything differently. Maybe he won't take to drawing--nothing wrong with that--but using colors to symbolize is it's own art form. Ask his teacher if s/he is at all concerned. My guess is that it will come in due time. And he may have poor handwriting. Most young people do these days as computers take over our lives. He should simply be having a good time. I love his description of the treasure being hidden under the sand. That takes a different kind of perception. My advice is to let go of your concern in this area completely. The most important thing to consider here is that your son is enjoying school and drawing.
Pre-adolescent resistance
Q. Our 10yr. old adopted daughter is very bright, bossy and precocious. I teach a Bahai Children's class at our home on Sunday mornings. It is for her benefit but also to be of service. She is interested but often defiantly unwilling to participate. She feels it is below her since she did a class with teenagers a few years ago. Our class is with younger ones mostly. I have invited her to help teach as well as to include her friends. She has responded positively towards this but then has moments of being totally rude and pissed off at me for the class happening at all and then for "taking over" her friends....She says it is not fun and grumbles a few things when I ask her what would make it fun, but if I try to incorporate them she just rolls her eyes and gets on to some other reason why she is not going to participate. Then she finds her dad and carries on to him about how much she "hates" mom. I do not want to allow her to be disruptive and rude. I am so disappointed with this situation as I am doing it for her (mostly). I think it would be wrong to knuckle under to her tactics and yet I am hoping there is something I can do to make it more attractive to her. Any suggestions?
A. You mentioned that she enjoyed the class a few years ago. She is in a whole new stage of development. She is on the cusp of adolescence and has much to defend when included with younger children. It's good that you have tried to get her into a teaching mode with you and included friends but she may be "done" with the subject of the class for now. You say you are doing this for her benefit so therefore you have an agenda about her being a part of the class or learning the lessons involved. My suggestion would be to give your daughter more control over what she wants to be involved in and what not. If she is feeling pressured to be there in the program or to do what she thinks you expect of her, she will "punish" you for that pressure by being disruptive and rude, especially in front of her friends to show you she's not a little girl anymore. She is not going to tell you what she enjoys about it and what she doesn't if she thinks she has to meet certain expectations. But if you give her control over herself and choice about whether she attends or not, she may be more cooperative. But she must really trust that you are leaving these decisions up to her. If it is very important to you that she partake in this program, then you can problem solve with her. Tell her what is important to you and why and let her tell you what is going on for her. Then come to some agreements rather than leaving it loose and up to the whim of her feelings at the moment. But if she thinks that you insist on her valuing this program the way you do, then your agenda will feel overbearing to her. Her "tactics" are her only way of expressing her agenda. Find a balance of agendas and remember your disappointment is yours. She is not responsible for it.
Stories
Lately my 8 yr old son has been difficult getting going in the morning. He is at this "don't tell me what to do cause I know what to do" phase. So I have let him do his thing which ends up with him still in bed 10 minutes before we are supposed to be out the door. The 2nd day in a row of this, I LOST it. I freaked out screaming and physically dragged him out of bed. Then I stopped everything and walked out of his room. He was crying and saying how much he hated me and how bad of a mom I was, etc. When I went back in his room, he was dressed but refused to do anything else. I tried to think calmly about what I could do to handle this and I thought about the punching pillow. We haven't used it in a while, so I grabbed a pillow off the couch and said:
"OK, hit me. I want you to hit this pillow while I'm holding it and say everything you are feeling inside about me and you won't get in trouble for it, just get it out."He went at it. He was punching and head butting and elbowing that pillow, and I kept encouraging him to say what he felt and he did.
"I hate you mom, you're the worst mom in the world, you always hurt me."He kept hitting and venting for about 5 minutes. Then he stopped and walked away and went off to read a magazine. I put the pillow back, thinking he was done, and walked in the kitchen when all of a sudden I felt this thud and arms wrapped around me and his face just buried into me.
"Tell me how I always hurt you."
"You hurt me by yelling at me, and when you grabbed me."
"Mom, I love you, I didn't mean to hurt you when I was hitting the pillow (I made sounds a couple of times when he really seemed to need to hear that), I love you, I love you mom."We hugged each other a little while longer and were out the door and on time. So I wanted to share that and thank you once again for the idea of the punching pillow. I have used it more than a few times especially when my son was younger but it worked again in this situation.
"I love you too bud, I forgive you, and I'm sorry for how I acted earlier too. You don't deserve that, I was wrong."
Information
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Bonnie Harris, Connective Parenting
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