Bonnie Harris Connective Parenting

Too many toys?

January 11th, 2012

Watching the toys pouring in for my grandson has made me think about our grossly material world and how important it seems to parents that their children have everything the culture provides. Coinciding with this—granted I have not done a study on the connection—seems to be an epidemic of bored kids who want nothing more than to be interfacing with a screen of some kind.

I wonder if, because children have so much to play with from a very early age, they switch quickly and mindlessly from one toy to another, get bored easily and then demand more. What if a young child had two toys? I imagine that child would use those toys in many ways that the child with lots of toys would not. What happens to imagination when toys and games fill in all the details? Do you want your child thinking about ways she can dress her doll from found things around the house, perhaps learning to sew, or do you want the doll that comes with complete wardrobe and accessories? Can your child imagine what he can turn a cardboard box into or does he need the plastic forms sold in the toy store to make that fort?

When there are tons of toys in a toy box, the tendency is to get into them by throwing them one at a time until the box is emptied and then looking around for what else can be done. When lots are on the floor, the child is likely to move quickly from one to another without really paying much attention to any one toy. When there are one or two out, the child will focus more on those one or two.

Toy rotation is one way of handling the situation. Keep only a few out at a time. This works especially well for very young children who will tend to forget about ones not in view. Wait until you see your child exhaust possibilities and switch the rotation. Who knows, as your child grows, he may learn to appreciate the rotation plan and not demand that he have access to all.

The other issue is the buying. I think that in this case, poor families have the advantage. There is no question about whether a desired toy can be purchased or not. Children must make do. When we have the resources and the family members with resources, everyone wants to get the latest for the child until the time comes when the parent sees the fallout. Screaming when they can’t have what they ask for, demanding what “everyone in my class” has, “needing” the latest and greatest.

Try to buck the tide. Provide wooden spoons, boxes, crinkly paper, drawing supplies, cushions, etc. and see what happens. Give family members a wish list for birthdays and holidays and ask them not to do more. Trade with other parents whose children have finished with certain toys (with your child’s knowledge and permission). Spend time talking about various things a toy could be used for. When your child asks for a particular toy, see if you can encourage him to make it with found objects. Stimulate your child’s imagination first and see where it leads.

3 Responses to “Too many toys?”

Terri says:

January 28, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I was delighted that my five-year-old grandson chose to play with the boxes soon after receiving lots of toys for Christmas, validating that very idea! He also plays with building toys and musical instruments, but boxes and cardboard tubes are still favorites. I’ve been rotating and discarding much of the rest.

Reply
Cammie Opre says:

January 31, 2012 at 7:03 am

My daughter never liked toys which was handy since we were broke and almost lost our house. She has an “engineering” mind and all she ever wanted was materials to make things. Bolts of fabric from the super clearance rack made her VERY happy. She tended to raid our paper recylce bin on a regular basis. In 8th grade she just won a state award for her sculpture made out of wire and trash. My son is the opposite. Demands the latest things kids talk about at school. Anything collectable makes it worse. I put a stop to it when he was 8 by giving him money. $5 per week allowance. Rule is “Mom buys nothing”. He has to save up. He decided to never go to stores because that seemed to trigger what we call his “wanting problem”. We have never had TV which helps. At Christmas the only present he gets is “matching funds” for anything he has saved. All fall he saves and asks for work because he knows it will become double at Christmas. Then he has to prioritize to figure out what he wants to buy. At age 9 he has learned to shop on line… searching for the best deals to get the most out of his Christmas money. He got $130 dollars which I gave him 2 weeks before Christmas. For the 7 days before Christmas he had boxes to open from UPS almost every day after school. LOVED IT!! He has learned to save, budget and do a lot of addition in his head. I no longer have to listen to whining and begging. Getting all the presents on one day is HIGHLY overrated. (Yes, Santa comes and fills his stocking!)

Reply
- admin says:
  
  January 31, 2012 at 10:32 am
  
  Love this Cammie. Your kids have certainly learned to make it happen for themselves.
  
  Reply

Tags: boredom, imagination, screen, toy rotation, toys
Posted in Everyday Parenting | 3 Comments »

Consistent Discipline: What does it mean?

December 12th, 2011

Consistency is a troubling word for parents. Do I have to be the same all the time? What happens when I lose it? Does it mean I have to discipline the same way for each infraction? Consistency in discipline means responding in ways your child can expect. There is nothing more confusing and disruptive for a child than to never know how your parent is going to react. As the dictionary puts it, consistency means responding in a way “that is necessary for the sake of logic, accuracy, or fairness”.

The importance of logic and fairness cannot be overstated. When “consequences” (the politically correct word for punishment) seem unfair and illogical (which they all do unless natural or a logical choice the child makes), children resist or learn to get sneaky and even lie to avoid them. We all know what we did to stay out of trouble. Fairness and logic does not mean responding the same way all the time, i.e. going to one’s room or timeout every time behavior is inappropriate or inconvenient. For a child to learn self-control and self-discipline, a parent needs to approach all infractions from a similar place of fairness and logic; from a set of consistent principles that inform each decision a parent makes. The parent’s response can be different in each case, but the principles remain the same. The child learns what to expect and what not to expect.

Every child knows his parent is going to lose it from time to time. Consistency means how that loss of judgment is repaired. Do you lose it and blame your child for your emotions and behavior or do you lose it and take responsibility after emotions calm? If the child trusts that his parent will go over the situation and make repair or if he trusts that he will get a chance to tell his side of the story, that brings consistency to the problem. Things don’t get swept under the rug. Everyone is always held accountable and taking responsibility for ones actions and emotions can be expected.

2 Responses to “Consistent Discipline: What does it mean?”

Lily says:

January 8, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Thanks so much for your considered and helpful reply. One other question – the teenager’s mother, as a victim of a narcissistic and abusive ex, gets reminded of his behavior in her, and she doesn’t want to be re-abused and also doesn’t want that child growing up that way, or influencing the younger child who is “sweet, innocent” and unaffected by the father as she has never lived with him. It’s her fear of the same thing taking root that causes her to try very hard to find out what she can do not to enable that behavior but finds herself powerless as whatever she does gets a response where the child wins by causing damage (either physically terrorising or by bullying the younger child). Would it be the case that she needs to separate the behavior of her ex from the daughter, even though the dynamics of abusive behavior are the same, and not use the same strategy? Victims are taught to not tolerate abusive behavior and to set limits or terms of engagement that sometimes end up with complete “no contact”.

Reply
admin says:

January 10, 2012 at 2:07 pm

It’s the classic self-fulfilling prophesy problem. Your neighbor, out of fear of passing on what she experienced, tries to take control, her daughter rebels and takes the same kind of control of her mother that her mother once experienced from another. It’s also, a shame to say, the experience the mother has come to expect. Her reminder of her own experience is her problem, not her daughter’s. She should definitely not parent her daughter by projecting her own experience onto the situation, which she already has purely unintentionally done. And unfortunately she has “allowed” her daughter the same abusive tactics. This kind of passing on what we least want is insidious and requires some deep work on oneself and one’s beliefs that have built and deepened over the years. It’s easy to say, “I don’t tolerate abusive behavior”, but hard to make it a reality as it needs to come from one’s gut, not one’s head. Her daughter needs understanding and connection—very hard to give when you are feeling like that child’s victim. I’m curious about why you are asking such intense questions about your neighbor.

Reply

Tags: consequences, consistency, discipline, expect, fairness, infractions, logic
Posted in Everyday Parenting | 2 Comments »

5 Building Blocks to Raising Resilient Children

November 17th, 2011

How well does your child deal with adversity, cope in difficult situations, become stronger after disappointments? In other words, how resilient is she? We often think that our job is to protect our children from the tough situations of life, but in fact, our protection helps only us. We don’t want to hear their anger, experience their sadness, or deal with their disappointment. In many cases, we were not allowed those feelings so we don’t know how to allow our children to have them. They may frighten us—so we make sure they don’t have them. When we prevent these experiences, we diminish their resilience, their ability to cope with life’s inevitable frustrations and situations beyond their control.

Building resilience in children requires that we:

Trust our child’s ability to handle difficult problems
Convey in words and body language confidence in their ability to cope
Allow and accept their feelings of sadness, fear, anger, disappointment over situations they cannot change
Do not jump in to rescue them or fix situations that cause their frustration in order to avoid our own fears
Balance our own wants and needs with theirs, which will inevitably cause their frustration and disappointment

Children are so much more capable of dealing with and solving problems than we give them credit for. Our natural sense of nurturing can easily switch to overprotection when we think we are responsible for our children’s happiness. We do not serve them by protecting them from unhappiness or telling them they shouldn’t feel what they are feeling. Let their tears flow; allow their anger and disappointment. You don’t have to do or change anything. Simply acknowledge and empathize with those feelings. They need to know they are normal.

Many situations are too much for children to handle: a school environment that puts on too much pressure, a truth that is too much to handle, etc. But life inevitably throws us situations beyond our control, and how well our children are able to get over them and move on depends on their resilience. A schoolmate who taunts with a hurtful name, a desired toy you think inappropriate or unaffordable, a limit that feels unfair all cause natural feelings. Allowing those feelings does not mean changing the situation or giving in to make them happy. Their ability and opportunity to feel sustains their resilience to move past the feelings.

Tags: anger, building blocks, capability, disappointment, resilience, sadness
Posted in Everyday Parenting | No Comments »

Understanding Shared Power

October 7th, 2011

When I tell parents to share power with their child, they get nervous. “Wait, I’m the parent? Aren’t I the one in charge?” Absolutely. Sharing power means that you both stand in your personal power. It does not mean that your child has the same power that you do. You are the parent, the authority, the one in charge, and the more you are confident in that power, the safer and more cared for your child feels. It’s when you lose it, when your temper flares and you feel out of control that your child feels unsafe and confused and will react accordingly. When power is lost, your child fears what is happening and may grab what power he can.

We have a choice—we can hold the power, giving our child none, keeping the dominator model; we can give our power away when we lack confidence, are afraid of power and give our children more than they can handle; or we can share it, insuring that all family members feel confident, strong and able to get their needs met. A child needs a cup of power compared to the many gallons of the parent.

Power can be shared when the parent gives a choice. “Do you want to give me that or shall I take it?” “Would you like sauce on your spaghetti or do you want it plain tonight?” “You don’t have a choice about whether we go or not, but you do have a choice about how you’re going to feel about it.” “If you can’t decide, I will make the choice for you.” Giving choices puts you in control. You are the one who offers the choice, you give only choices that you will allow, your choices create the parameters within which your child has choice. You are the overseer.

Relationship is the goal. Good relationships thrive on shared power. Simply because you are the adult does not mean your child does not need to feel powerful in the relationship. But he doesn’t want all the power as we so often fear. He wants you to be in control. He just wants to feel good about himself in relationship to you.

2 Responses to “Understanding Shared Power”

Lily says:

January 4, 2012 at 6:11 am

“But he doesn’t want all the power as we so often fear.” What about those kids who seem to have psychopathic or narcissistic disorders? My neighbor is tearing her hair out over a teenager who she is convinced is only interested in power and control. She believes this comes from witnessing the controlling tactics of her violent and manipulative father. Do you believe that assumptions about children only wanting to be successful and be connected to parents apply to ALL children? Are there some who in fact don’t want to share power, but want all the power because of their narcissism?

Reply
- admin says:
  
  January 4, 2012 at 8:14 am
  
  I believe your neighbor’s child has learned her controlling tactics out of necessity. If a child feels powerless enough of the time, she will try to take control however she can——her out of balance attempts at being successful. She never wanted all the power but learned that grabbing for it was the only way she could get what she wanted. It’s like putting a child on a strict diet. If there is an opportunity to get the withheld food, it will be hoarded. Yes, I believe that these principles apply to all children. The only reason a child tries to control all the power is because he fears what will happen to him if he doesn’t. By the time a child reaches the teen years, many patterns of behavior have been learned. If your neighbor’s child witnessed a good deal of violence and manipulation, then that has created a data base from which she responds——grabbing for power is the only way she believes she will stay in control of her life. She needs to be able to trust sharing power, and if she has been off-track long enough, it will take that long for her to trust again and only with a parent who understands this process and doesn’t approach her with anger and punitive measures. Narcissism is the result of unmet childhood egocentric needs. Developmentally they think only of themselves and when they learn that they are bad for that, they have to hold on to power wherever they can find it, in their attempts to fulfill their need——all unconsciously, of course.
  
  Reply

Tags: authority, choice, control, needs, out of control, power, relationship
Posted in Everyday Parenting | 2 Comments »

Misbehavior = Mis(taken)behavior

September 28th, 2011

Your child’s behavior is only the tip of the iceberg. Don’t take it literally. It has emotional triggers hidden beneath the surface. This is where your attention is to be directed. When we see only the behavior and decide it is either good or bad and should be either rewarded or punished, we are missing the boat—actually the boat will hit the huge section of iceberg beneath the water’s surface and sink. Our parenting culture is programed to look only at behavior and try to change it to suit us. This is manipulative and teaches children to be manipulative.

All behavior is perfect. It reflects and tells us how our children are doing. We should be grateful for it. If behavior is age and temperament-appropriate, even if it’s annoying, it tells us our child is fine. If it is inappropriate, out of control, violent, etc. it tells us our child is having a problem. So when we see the behavior as “misbehavior”, we see it as bad and therefore have to change it, typically by using punishment. But we have actually misunderstood the nature of the behavior. We have mistaken it for something intentional. It is neither good nor bad but it does tell us if our child is needing help, is dealing with internal problems, unmet needs, upsets that provoke the behavior. If we “miss the boat” and see only the behavior, it gets worse and more dramatic in an effort to finally be heard.

Have you ever said or done something you wish you hadn’t and wonder why? You really didn’t mean it, but it just came out? Of course you have. If you look closely you will see why you behaved that way. Perhaps you were embarrassed, or felt provoked or blamed, or were overtired and worn down. There is always a reason, a provocation, for “misbehavior” that lies beneath the surface. So if we do it, how come we take literally everything our children say and do and make them pay if we don’t like it?Is that how we’d like to be treated when we make a mistake?

Our parenting myth tells us never to give positive attention to negative behavior. But what our children need is positive, compassionate attention to the internal emotional state that holds the obstacles and problems that provoke unsuccessful behavior. Leave the behavior alone temporarily and connect with the emotional state. Go for the feelings. Once you have connected on an emotional level and your child trusts that you understand, then you can go back to the behavior and problem solve a different way of behaving. No blame, no criticism, but real accountability.

3 Responses to “Misbehavior = Mis(taken)behavior”

Beth says:

September 29, 2011 at 7:17 am

Love this post. It is very much true. The question is: How does the parent consistently keep their head about them when they are stressed/tired/feeling provoked and manipulated, etc.

Reply
- admin says:
  
  September 29, 2011 at 11:54 am
  
  First, by knowing and owning the responsibility that your stress, tiredness, feeling provoked and manipulated is yours, not your child’s problem. Once we own our own stuff and stop blaming our child for it, then we can #1 take care of ourselves better and #2 ask the child for help with our problem – cooperation. But that’s hard to do when our buttons are pushed, we take the provoking personally and don’t see it as the only way the child can respond at this point in time. It’s a major shift in perception.
  
  Reply
  - Beth says:
    
    September 29, 2011 at 1:53 pm
    
    thank you…..
    
    Reply

Tags: behavior, internal emotional state, misbehavior, out of control, problems, punishment, reward, triggers, violent
Posted in Everyday Parenting | 3 Comments »

Parenting is not a contest

September 11th, 2011

The traditional reward and punishment model of parenting sets the parent/child relationship up as a contest. The other day I ran into a friend with her toddler. They had just had a tiff while taking a walk. She said to me, “I’m not sure whether I won that round or not.” How did it get to be a contest? The basic assumption and perception must be, “I have to win otherwise I lose.” Power struggles are based on this kind of thinking. My definition of a power struggle is a fight between two kids the same age who are out to win. We lose our maturity, stoop to our child’s age, and duke it out. To engage in a power struggle means that you are out to win. And you will keep arguing or fighting until you do. That means that necessarily your child has to lose. Hence the next power struggle is set up.

When parenting is a contest, children are on the defensive, watchful of what the next strategy is that we will pull out of our back pocket. Sometimes they are predictable—yelling, threatening, taking away a desired object or privilege—sometimes they come out of the blue forcing the child to be on constant alert. But we don’t see it that way. We see the child being difficult. When arguments and fights are regular, both children and parents are on battle-alert most of the time, which means the slightest provocation will set off a trigger. “Here we go again” might be a familiar refrain. It’s exhausting.

To stop the battle, the parent has to be the grown-up first and leave the battle field. You don’t have to win or lose. Practice simply being with your child and watching with curiosity. Gather your child in each morning and start the day off on an equal footing, respectful and considerate of each other. Listen and take a couple minutes before responding to your child’s demands. Wait and see what comes up. It will definitely be better than your automatic knee-jerk reaction. No one has to win or lose.

Posted in Everyday Parenting | No Comments »

Can we bully our kids out of bullying?

May 19th, 2011

I don’t have a lot of faith in most bullying programs in schools. Mainly because they focus on the children and not the families. I believe a lot of bullying is generated in homes where bullying occurs. We don’t realize it because bullying is part of our traditional parenting methods. We punish and threaten children to get them to do what we want. Isn’t that bullying? To many children it feels that way—somebody bigger and more powerful telling me what to do or else. When parents find out their child is bullying at school, what is the typical outcome? That child will be yelled at, lectured to, punished in some way—in other words, bullied. Bullying is an everyday occurrence in most homes. It’s a wonder we don’t have more bullies.

Not only are children bullied by their parents, but parents live in a world of bullies. Look at corporate America. It seems that the only way to get ahead these days is to be a bully among those competing for jobs. The media shows our children how all the time. Movies, Youtube, video games are all full of scenarios that show the success of bullies getting what they want.

We have to start at the foundation. We must engage in peaceful, empathic, accepting ways of parenting. That doesn’t mean accepting behavior no matter what. It means accepting the child, who he is and how he views his world, in order to connect and then have influence over his behavior. Everyone’s needs in the family are equally relevant. Problem solving means anyone can say, This isn’t working for me. How can we make it work for both/all of us?

Siblings bully each other and parents freak out. There is a certain amount of sibling skirmishes that need to be allowed and worked out without parental involvement, but if true bullying is happening then intervention is needed—but not the traditional kind. Punishing or banishing the aggressor to her room only fuels her anger and determination. Parents can facilitate conflict resolution so children learn at home how to get their feelings out and heard and how to solve a problem in a way that no one loses. Children then learn how to get what they want but they learn how to do it while respecting and cooperating with the other.

We need to admit that families are at the root of bullying—not to be blamed for it but to take responsibility for the words and actions that influence young vulnerable minds. We have bought into the reward and punishment system of parenting, but our children haven’t—yet. We need to put an end to it and not until we do will we see an end to bullying.

4 Responses to “Can we bully our kids out of bullying?”

Maryann Makekau says:

May 29, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Bonnie,
I love how you’ve highlighted the need for families to take responsibility for problems that arise. Whether or not a problem begins at home, it always enters the home in one way or another. We see that across the board in behavior problems, stress and illness.
My books help families cope with difficult challenges such as cancer and deployment to war; each story told through a child’s eyes. Whether you’re 8 or 88, everyone connects to the “child within.” Embracing families in this way makes painful subjects approachable and gives everyone a voice.
Bullying is similar in that children often act out when their world feels out of control, when they’re suffering in some way, or when they simply don’t have a voice.
Thank you for helping families to engage in problem solving together. Whatever the source of struggle, families are more resilient when solutions are a team effort…with parents in the lead.

Reply
Nickie Dallas says:

July 21, 2011 at 9:21 am

I’m impressed, I need to say. Actually hardly ever do I encounter a blog that’s both educative and entertaining, and let me let you know, you could have hit the nail on the head. Your thought is excellent; the issue is something that not sufficient people are talking intelligently about. I’m very completely happy that I stumbled throughout this in my seek for one thing regarding this.

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whatsaysyou says:

August 19, 2011 at 5:14 am

Thank you for such a great post, Bonnie. Yes, as parents and caregivers we all do play a part in teaching kids not to be bullies. Unfortunately, some parents do play a part in nurturing the bullying behvaiour in their kids. Sad but true because I had a bad encounter with the nastiest girl a few years ago. She is the product of her mother’s constant over-indulging and bad parenting where her mother would always defend her bullying antics whilst leaving the victims to suffer (unfair don’t you think). Because of that, she becomes a terrible work colleague and a frenemy that nobody wants to touch with a 45 foot long pole from what I hear from people I know.

Reply
- admin says:
  
  August 19, 2011 at 7:00 am
  
  Both overindulgence, which can lead to entitlement in children, and physical punishment and witnessing physical aggression in the home can influence and scare a child into bullying others. The family atmosphere is so critical in understanding the roots of bullying but we usually do not look there for intervention.
  
  Reply

Posted in Everyday Parenting | 4 Comments »

A Word about Obedience

April 8th, 2011

I just heard a woman on the radio talking about her sexual abuse by a Catholic priest. She said that the church’s doctrine of obedience was a large part of it. “How else,” she said, “would a child be willing to endure that kind of control and not say anything about it?” – or words to that effect.
It is most important to consider the ramifications of demanding obedience in children. Why do we ask for it? To make our lives easier. Think about it. When children are brought up to obey their elders, they do not question. If they have not rebelled against the demands for obedience, they have succumbed—the risk can be far greater. We cannot be the authority in our children’s lives forever. So, would we rather have them thinking for themselves, being willing to stand up for what they believe against strong forces to comply, or would we rather have them follow whoever they look to for their source of influence at any given time?
Children who are not used to thinking for themselves will need an authority figure after we, the parents, have worn out our welcome. They will need someone to make decisions for them, to tell them which direction to take, to be the one they cannot live without.
Isn’t it worth it to raise children who are willing to say, “No, I won’t” when they don’t want to do something we ask? That does not mean raising children to do what they want—it means raising children who believe they have a voice.

2 Responses to “A Word about Obedience”

Lester Gourlay says:

May 4, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Well done! I have really loved sifting through your articles and posts. I subscribed to your RSS feed too.

Reply
Huey Keto says:

May 9, 2011 at 12:51 am

I really enjoyed the read, keep up with the sweet work!

Reply

Tags: authority figure, Catholic priest, control, dependence, influence, obedience, rebel, sexual abuse
Posted in Everyday Parenting | 2 Comments »

Lessons from “Chinese mothering”

January 29th, 2011

Never have I experienced such a collective button being pushed than with Amy Chua’s revelatory story of how she raised her two girls the Chinese way. Is it the threat we feel when she throws western parenting under the bus? This is what happens to anyone of us when we feel blamed, disdained, or put down. We get defensive and either take it in as defeat or fight back. Exactly what our children do when we blame them. We are clearly getting our hackles up as she puts down what we do, especially what we have doubts about doing.

I just finished the book, and I must say I found her unabashedly honest about her dictatorial methods that would make the hair on anyone’s neck stand straight up—methods she says would be seen even as illegal in the western culture. I have a hard time believing that most Chinese mothers would say the things that Chua said to her girls. Her story points out many things we can learn from. Her girls are as different as night and day attesting to such different temperaments. Her oldest went along with and apparently agreed to go along with her mother’s style. It pushed her to reach her greatness. Her youngest took more than I would expect rebelling all along the way to which Chua’s very Chinese mother even gave warning. This daughter’s final straw came in public in Red Square in Moscow when she screamed our worst nightmare at her mother—a point to which she was driven by a mother who just would not listen.

It is important for all parents to hold high expectations of their children—as long as they can meet them successfully. But children are different. Not all can come in first or be the best. But even though her younger daughter could be the best, she didn’t want to be. The cost was too great for her—she was missing out on other aspects of a life she knew she would enjoy more. The question is what are after for our children? Is performance the key? Do we want our children to be the best at the risk of being a well-rounded person. So, yes, we should push our children to the point of “optimal distress” according to David Palmitter of Marywood University in Scranton, PA; not to the point of no return. It is important for children to be pushed or push themselves through a good deal of frustration, disappointment, and even defeat so they achieve true self-esteem through perseverance and accomplishment. But the push should not go so far as to cause such discouragement that a child gives up trying. Expectations need to be realistic and fit the child.

What Chua has that is evident is 100% belief in her daughters’ capability and strength. And 100% confidence in herself. This strength is a lesson we can take from this book. Western parenting falls short due to lack of self-confidence and trust in our children. When that dips, fears take over and loom large enough to fill us with doubt and inconsistencies. These trip us up every time. Chua’s strength and her evident love for her girls, which underlies all her retributions is what holds the family together.

I do believe that accomplishments of greatness can be achieved in a kind, respectful, non-blaming, and fully supportive environment. Let us find a balance. We can stand to gain a great deal more confidence in ourselves and our children while at the same time focusing on the importance of strength in relationship. I always want my children to see me as a source of love, support, and advice. That was always my barometer as I brought them up. Is what I am saying building or breaking connection? At 32 and 28, they still gain from that connection. I feel good about the strength of our relationships as well as proud of their accomplishments. We can find answers in moderation and balance without swinging to extremes.

7 Responses to “Lessons from “Chinese mothering””

Ann Sachs says:

January 29, 2011 at 11:39 pm

What an eloquent response to this controversial book, Bonnie. Your question “Is what I am saying BUILDING or BREAKING connection?” can serve as a guiding principle for every parent every day.

I’m picturing an engraved charm you could sell on your website! (I’m only half kidding…) Thank you for an important and memorable post.

Reply
grammypam says:

February 2, 2011 at 8:32 am

I’ve been bemused by all the fluffle concerning Tiger Mother. I think Bonnie’s point of many of us feeling threatened is the root of the intense reaction. What has comes up for me, a mother of four grandmother of seven, is that the helicopter and the tiger mother are not so far apart. It would seem either stance is filled with Mummy Ego…”Didn’t I do a good job?” From the view point of seventy four years, I see no more contentment and joy in folks who have “achieved” than folks who are just “average”. The bottom line, a point that Bonnie brings up over and over, is the value of embodying what we hope for our children. They are all different and will bump along paths as we have. My biggest gift to my four, I believe, has been transparency and integrity in whatever I do. As I watch them parent, build careers and relationships and be productive adults, this seems to be the commonality they all share. Achieve, maybe… good folk, no doubt!

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Autism Foundations says:

March 24, 2011 at 4:34 pm

I really enjoyed this! Can I post this on my site and link back to you?

Reply
- admin says:
  
  March 24, 2011 at 5:15 pm
  
  Sure, I’d love it. Bonnie
  
  Reply
  - admin says:
    
    April 3, 2011 at 6:01 am
    
    Sascha – So happy you found me and I welcome you to Connective Parenting. I hope you will check out my website http://www.connectiveparenting.com and subscribe to my twice monthly newsletter – one is a lesson and the other answers readers questions. Also join my facebook page at Bonnie Harris Connective Parenting. It is always so heartening to find more and more parents and prospective parents (my daughter-in-law is about to be a parent) who are intending a more respectful way of raising our children. What a different world we would have if Jean Liedloff had been everyone’s parenting mentor. It is a difficult job to convince parents that responsibiliy and respect can be learned without blame and punishment – and that punishment is not the equivalent of discipline. Nice to have you aboard.
    
    Reply
Sascha Holyoak says:

April 2, 2011 at 11:05 pm

Such wisdom and eloquence….thankyou Bonnie!! I am not a parent (although I hope to be one day!) however, I am an art teacher or children of all ages…and have worked as a nanny for many years. I am intensely interested in perspectives on raising children….initially coming across some of your comments on a website celebrating Jean Liedloff’s life & her wonderful book, ‘The Continuum Concept’

I have been happily sharing your inspired ideas with family and friends, many of whom are parents of small children It’s my hope that if I should be so fortunate to have my own children that ideas such as yours and Liedloff’s will influence a very different style of parenting than I have experienced….

I just wanted to say thankyou – it would be hard to put a value on the ideas that you write about – I am sure you are doing much good in promoting respectful, honest and positive relationships within families,

Kind Regards,

Sascha.

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Moms ThredUP says:

August 3, 2011 at 2:46 pm

I am so glad I came across your site:-)

I Love This:
I do believe that accomplishments of greatness can be achieved in a kind, respectful, non-blaming, and fully supportive environment.

I am going to make this the quote of the day in my house.

Thanks for this wonderful post:-)…

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Tags: accomplishment, Amy Chua, blame, capability, Chinese mother, connection, dictatorial, doubts, expectations, perseverance, self-esteem, strength
Posted in Everyday Parenting | 7 Comments »

Pendulum Parenting-from “nice” to “Chinese”!

January 17th, 2011

How many parents find a balance in their parenting that works. We seem to go through cycles, fads as it were. We didn’t like the autocratic parenting many of us were brought up with so we reacted and swung the opposite way being nice to our children, giving them all they want at the same time interpreting what they wants as what they need. Hard to get those two straight! We were all about raising our children’s self-esteem and thought we would do that by telling them how wonderful they are at everything they do. Trophies for every kid on the team, praise stickers and prizes for “good” behavior, telling children how special they each are…. Well, that backfired big time, but we hadn’t quite figured out what to do instead when along came Amy Chau with her new memoir, Battle Hymn of a Tiger Mother. Chau’s book shows us how Chinese mothering raises successful children (or that’s what she wants us to see), which is once again a swing in the far opposite direction. She chastises American parents for being soft and feeling-oriented and shows us how her harsh, autocratic style led to two very successful daughters – altho almost at the risk of losing one of them. By calling her daughter “garbage”, refusing the “lazy” efforts put into home-made birthday cards, threatening them with anything and everything to illicit perfect performances both academically and musically, she claims she boosted their self-esteem and takes full credit for their successes. As children’s failures are a shame on the family, she says that absolutely a child’s behavior is a reflection on mothering. Hmmm. Doesn’t that leave the child’s nature out of the picture. Indeed, her second daughter’s nature is what in the end broke Chau’s uncompromising severity-a little.

What a reaction in the press!! All the New York Times respondents to this top-selling book have criticized it’s draconian methods. While disagreeing intensely with her methods, one piece I do think we should take from it is her unquestioning faith in her children’s capability—so capable she believed they would not be harmed by the harshness she used to keep them at their tasks and away from any down-time. That was where she went off track.

I was left with the question: Why are we such pendulum thinkers and followers? We go with one extreme, find it doesn’t work, and swing to the other extreme in reaction. Where is the balance? Why is it so hard for us to be moderate in most anything we do. Chau did not mean to tell us Americans how we should raise our children, but she did make it quite clear that we are doing a poor job of it. I happen to agree. I also think she did a poor job with her extreme parenting. But can we not take the good with the bad? How about relishing in the cultural differences and learning from one another what might help, leaving what we think might hurt. Balance is what it is all about in my opinion. Balance of needs in the family means that everyone must understand that their needs are no more or no less important than anyone else’s. And that means that I demand that my needs get met along with the sacrifice I may need to make in order to meet my child’s needs. It’s a dance—a back and forth action, an understanding that we all matter—and every family must find their own dance. The first step is to know that we each deserve our own needs to be met. With that knowing we gain personal power. With personal power, we can maintain authority in our homes without the use of harsh measures that damage relationship.

Tags: Amy Chau, balance, Battle Hym of a Tiger Mother, Chinese mother, harsh, nature, needs, pendulum, sacrifice, self-esteem, severity, wants
Posted in Everyday Parenting | No Comments »

Bonnie Harris Connective Parenting

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