Category Archives: Everyday living

Thoughts on Gratitude

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This is the time of year when everyone talks about gratitude. What are we grateful for? How do we teach our children gratitude? How can we be more grateful for all we have?

Although I have not had a great loss in my life since I was young, I have had friends with losses who say with all sincerity and understanding, Appreciate what you have, live every moment like it’s your last, be thankful for your husband, kids etc. Why is it that we can’t fully follow this advice that know is so right? Is it because we can’t know loss until we experience it? Without the loss staring us in the face, it’s hard to know what it’s like.

I believe my life has been blessed. I have a loving husband, two wonderful, successful and happy children, and now an amazingly adorable grandson. I see my children often considering they live several hours away, we have wonderfully happy, connected relationships. I have a beautiful home on a beautiful hill with many great friends in a great community.

Despite all this, I find it comes easier to gripe and complain than it does to be immersed in gratitude. Consciously I can give thanks for my abundance, but unconsciously I find myself wondering what if…, if only…, I wish I had…wouldn’t I be happier if…. Is it who I am—my temperament?

I read an article once describing research findings on two basic types of people: those who are happy with, or at least accepting of, the choices they make and where they are in life and others who always wonder what if and gaze longingly at the greener grass on the other side of the fence. It struck me that I am in the latter category.

On one hand I believe that living in that If only… mindset keeps me free of complacency and pushes me to move forward. On the other hand, it gets tiring to always be wishing for something I don’t have—to never be completely satisfied. Does this mean I don’t accept myself, my choices, my life, even when I know how lucky I am?

I am generally quite happy and laugh often, but something always seems to nag, You haven’t done quite enough. I would be the first to say this is based on a belief I took in about myself as a child from a father who held very high expectations. Was this his temperament or learned from his parents?

So those of you for whom gratitude comes easily and naturally—count your blessings. Oh right, you do that anyway. And for those of us who are wishing for things to be different, I ask us these questions:

  • What do you really want to be different?
  • What do you think you would have if those things were different?
  • What are you afraid of if you were to relax into what you do have and let go of what you want to be different?

Mindfulness is the art of being present—in the moment. For many of us, we need to practice this daily; it doesn’t come naturally. Not just at this time of year.

So to those of us who tend towards If only thinking, the conscious practice of acceptance and gratitude is important. But we also need to give ourselves a break and stop thinking we should be different, better, happier, more grateful. We are what we are whether from temperament or learning. Maybe if we start with that, it will be easier to see the greening of the grass on our side of the fence.

 

Grief and Loss

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grief and loss

Three days ago we had to put our adored eleven year old dog to sleep. The sorrow has been immense. Only two days before that we found out that he had lots of cancer including all through his lungs. He had slowed down a bit and had become finicky about eating in the last couple of weeks. But we had no idea the extent of his illness. As soon as he had the chest xray and ultrasound showing us all the tumors, it was as if now that we knew, he could give in to it. In two days, he deteriorated so fast that we had no choice but to end his struggle. It was so hard for him to breathe that he resisted lying down for hours at a time.

I have only lived without a dog for a couple of years of my life when I was in college and right after. Dogs have been an essential part of my life and I have gone through many losses. One might, and many do say, “I don’t want to get so attached just to go through the grief of losing something I love.” I think many people don’t have animals or even children for that very reason. To me it would be like saying to my children, “Please don’t come home for visits because it’s too hard to say goodbye each time.”

Every time I came home or anyone arrived at our house, we would be greeted by Tucker bringing a shoe. The downside was shoes all over the house—pairs broken up, the hunt for a missing shoe—but the delight in the gift (even though he never handed the shoe over)

Attachment to something or someone loved involves loss and grief. But the price of no loss, is no joy. Is it worth it?  The human condition requires attachment. How can we justify the grief and loss we inevitably experience? “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” so they say. Life is about experiencing a range of emotions—positive and negative. How can we know happiness without sadness, kindness without cruelty, success without failure, joy without sorrow, love without loss?

 

Stopping by a Moose/Intrinsic Rewards

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Yesterday driving through MA, I spotted a moose in the woods. It was huge. My friend who was driving turned around so we could all see it. We stopped on the side of the road and my husband got out to take a picture. Just then the moose moved, and my friend backed up a bit to see it more clearly. Only she backed off the road into a deep, snowy trench that her efforts dug the car deeper and deeper into. It was looking like we needed help. The first car by was a woman who said that cellphone reception was not possible where we were and she would drive to the nearest station to send a tow truck. My friend kept trying to pull out but sent the right-hand tires into the snow even deeper. Every car that came by stopped to help. We really are good at that! Some got out to peruse the situation and give a push. Finally a small guy realized that what was needed was muscle from the snow-banked side of the road pushing the car sideways up onto the road. He and a larger guy and my husband all got on the side ready to push. I worried that they would get pinned between the car and the bank. But they did it. The left wheel grabbed the road, and we made it after much tire spinning and tread-wearing. We cheered  the guys who  happily went back to their car with hails of thanks yous and Happy New Years. As we drove off, my friend said, “Should we have given them money?”

It struck me that money or some present is what we have come to expect for a reward. In my parenting work, I highly discourage rewards for children. So I said, “No. The fact that they succeeded was their reward.” And isn’t that so? What we witnessed was the true meaning of intrinsic rewards: hard effort, dangerous effort even, to help out a stranger in need, and success at the accomplishment. That was their reward—and a well-deserved one at that. Thank you again, guys, where ever you are!

And we hope that the tow truck driver was not too inconvenienced to see that we had gotten out before he arrived. Thank you anyway!

Happy New Year to you all!