Category Archives: Confident Parents

Why Rules Feed Resistance and Agreements Build Respect

Q. I’ve been a long time subscriber and benefitted on how to handle parenting issues mostly when my kids were very young. Now my son has turned 18 and feels entitled to stay out as long as he wants. For me and my husband, we still think that house rules apply but I’m finding it very difficult to give logical reasons why my son should abide by some rules when my husband does the exact same thing. Is there any better way to handle this or what reasons will be valid in this situation?

A. The reason you are having a hard time coming up with logical reasons is because there are none when it comes to holding authority over your 18 year old. He should be in a place by now where he has authority over himself. That comes from slowly and gradually pulling back your authority from your child as he becomes able to handle things on his own.

Children live with parents for as long as they do because of all the things they must do that

Q. I have enjoyed reading many things on your website. My husband and I are the owners of 1 integrity child and 1 harmony child. The first makes me nearly lose my mind as I am an integrity person as well. My question is how do you help them understand that the world doesn’t revolve around their perceived needs? My own experiences were tough, and it took counseling to finally work through my own self esteem challenges. It is and has always been exhausting. He is 18 and a good boy. He is polite, smart, well-adjusted, and has tremendous integrity BUT argues with us over nearly anything not being done his way. We try to get in his head and help him, but life will not always accommodate that, and he fears failure. I would love any insight you could provide.

A. The fact that your son is polite, well-adjusted with tremendous integrity says that you have raised him respectfully. But your fears of the outside world not accommodating his temperament are misplaced. He will learn from experience what tracks

The Power of Acceptance

Instead of starting off the new year with resolutions you are likely to ignore, how about deciding to accept yourself and your kids just the way you are?

You might find that acceptance is much harder than setting unrealistic goals that keep you in a state of tension when you can’t meet them or control them in your children. The task is realizing that the only way for change to occur is to first accept yourself, quirks, problems, and all.

Acceptance is what you and your children need the most. If you’re reading this, I can guarantee that your children know you love them. But…do they know you accept them? Or do they think you wish they were different? Be in your child’s head for a minute and answer that question.

Acceptance has to do with the expectations you set—consciously or unconsciously. Do your kids think they meet up to your expectations or do they believe they can never be good enough for you? How about you? Do you believe you’re good enough?

When you know you are good enough,

I was so honored to sit down as a guest recently with Beth Syverson, who has created the Safe Home Podcast with her son, Joseph Nakao. It’s a terrific resource that focuses on helping struggling teens and their families find their healing path.

In this episode, we talked about the question: HOW CAN WE BE MORE CONNECTED WITH THE KIDS IN OUR LIVES? Talk about being aligned with my Connective Parenting approach! It was a really meaningful conversation and I hope you get to give it a listen. You can find it here…

How to Manage a Meltdown

Tis the season—for stress, impatience and probably some unrealistic expectations and resentment over why your family isn’t like the happy ones you see on Instagram. That means trickle down stress for your children, no matter what age. Your littlest ones may show it in irregular sleep, eating, toileting and generally cranky behavior. Your middle ones may show it in angry outbursts and words that push anyone’s buttons. And your teens may simply disappear to their rooms to get away from it all.

But all are at risk of some major meltdowns. Mainly because children can’t hold onto as much stress as we can—note: this is a good thing—and are far more likely to let it out at home with the safest people in their lives. More good things.

Nobody likes dealing with kids’ meltdowns. Especially kids. Please do not be influenced to ignore or threaten your child by those who say, “He’s doing that on purpose. He’s just trying to get your attention.” We’ve all had meltdowns. They’re not fun. Your kids aren’t doing it on purpose. And of course

This month, Bonnie has invited guest writer, Abi Long, to offer her traveling insights for families.

“Having fun with children creates connection. Connection builds relationships. Relationships are what we need to raise our children. So start having more fun, more of the time.”

~ Bridgett Miller

Vacations are a brilliant way for adults to relax, unwind and immerse themselves in new experiences – but what about when there are kids to think about? Travelling with young children can be a daunting prospect, and you may wonder if they’ll even get much out of the experience. The truth is, taking little ones on vacation can do incredible things for their development. Here are three key advantages of vacationing with young kids.

1. Travel supports education and motivates kids to learn

Vacations give kids the opportunity to learn in an immersive manner. They can apply concepts they’re taught in school or from books to real-life experiences, and there’s plenty of research to back this up. When children apply attention to diverse experiences such as travelling, permanent changes occur within the brain

Q. We have a 4-year-old turning 5 next month, and we have a lot of toilet talk going on. We’ve tried ignoring it, explaining why it’s not okay and that it’s not okay to use in our house. Nothing seems to work. He just lays around and says: penis, boobies, vagina and other words. No swear words but typical toilet talk. Also he’ll poke me or others and say I can see your booby, bum bum etc. Also with his 1-year-old sister and dogs. Any advice would be appreciated as it’s starting to be such a theme and hard to help him know that it’s not okay to yell this and say it all the time.

A. Actually, it’s you who needs to know it is okay. Your son is right on target developmentally when it comes to “toilet talk.” Four and five-year-old’s have curiosity about their bodies, compare themselves to others, especially the opposite sex, and want to discover what bodies do and what makes them different. Because they are this age, they get silly about it all.

Unfortunately,

Are you trying to do the right thing by validating your child’s feelings only to hear even angrier tirades? Your best intentions backfire and you don’t know why. Let’s break this down to figure out why your child is reacting negatively when you are trying to empathize.

“I am understanding of how my child is feeling, but it seems to just make her madder,” is something I hear from many parents. Progressive parenting has put a lot of emphasis on validating feelings and being empathetic—rightly so. Your kids want nothing more than to know you understand them. But in our impatience to get on with what we want them to do, to correct them, we may end up invalidating their feelings without realizing it.

“I understand you’re upset. You can be angry, but you have to get in the shower.”
“I get that you’re mad at your sister, but you can’t hit her.”
“You’re upset you got a bad grade. Buck up. You’ll do better next time.”
“A friend should never make fun of you. You need to tell her

Q. While listening to one of your insightful podcasts, “Mom, When Can I Start Watching Porn?”, I heard you say “that the best time to start introducing your children to the mechanics of sex and how babies are made and born is between 4 and 6, before it becomes embarrassing, shocking and awkward. If you are saving “the talk” until kids ask, you may wait forever.” I have two daughters, ages 5 and 1. I always answer their questions as honestly as possible except when she was three and I was pregnant. She asked: “Mom, how did my baby sister get in there?” Not prepared, I froze. What, when and how do I share the answers to her future sex ed questions before she is too embarrassed to ask me?

A. Don’t wait for the questions. They may never come. Sometime, ask her, “Do you remember when I was pregnant with your sister, and you asked me how she got inside me? I didn’t think you were old enough to understand then but now I think you are. Would you

Q. My 9 year old boy’s behavior is driving me nuts and making me feel like failure. He is a strong-willed, smart boy, who will do anything only if he likes it. There are many things he decides he doesn’t like to do or eat, and there is no cajoling that can get him to give it a try. But my bigger problem here is his constant lying. He cannot stop himself from lying and sneaking. And this
behavior is only getting worse and more sophisticated as he is growing up. For eg, he loves cookies and most often eats more than what his share is. If I suspect that he ate them when he shouldn’t and question him, he goes on the defensive and outright denies it (even with all crumbs stuck to his mouth).

Another example is every night I ask him to brush his teeth. He usually goes
to bed without brushing, and when I check if he did what he is supposed to do,
20% of the times he tells the truth but the rest is