Q. I am currently feeling like a failure as a parent. My 12 year old daughter is smart, well behaved, does well in school. However, there are 2 main areas where we fight and tempers flare resulting in a tense hostile environment at home.
2) The other is her watching You Tube, again without my knowledge. She has to use the laptop for homework, and I cannot baby sit while she is doing that as I have another kid and work to take care of. And mainly I want to give her the independence of making the right choices in the long term. Watching screen distracts her from homework, impacts the quality of her work so it takes till dinner time to complete! Plus, I don’t approve of what she watches. While age appropriate they are a waste of time and not shows that will enrich her, improve her skills and help her grow as an individual.
A. My advice is to be enormously grateful that your daughter is smart, well-behaved and competent. It’s all-too natural for our fears to get in the way of trusting who our children are. She is a child, and her job is to do and get what she wants when she wants. Your job is to be the parent and set appropriate limits on what she wants. She is not yet thinking about what is good for her health and well-being or what she should be doing to enrich herself. Did you think about this when you were 12?
The fact that she does well in school indicates that she cares about how well she does. So, when she doesn’t have to, she wants to have fun—of course. Your job is to think about her health. She’s not ready—yet.
In terms of junk food and YouTube, think about it this way—she will do what she wants if she can. Like many children, she has a sweet tooth. She doesn’t have to be hungry to be tempted by available snacks and YouTube. She doesn’t care about tooth decay, what junk food is doing to her body or the effects of mindless videos. She just knows what she wants. She knows you do not approve and put limits on both, so she has to sneak to get what she wants.
My advice is do not have junk food in the house. There are many nutritious snacks that are organic and less processed. Limiting and policing leads to hoarding and sneaking. What you have in the house is your job. And to be in charge of her health until she is old enough to take that responsibility herself. That’s why children live with parents for 18+ years.
Your current policy works against her rather than with her. Expecting her to limit herself is unrealistic. And yes, there are plenty of kids who listen and do as they’re told. And plenty of kids who push the limits because they don’t agree with the rules.
My suggestion is to let her know that it is your job not hers to make sure she eats healthy food (“Of course you want sweets, you’re a kid. I did too when I was your age. That’s why I’m here—to make sure you get what your body needs. I don’t expect you to think about that, yet.”) So you are going to buy only healthy snacks, remove the temptation, and remove your limits. This is your problem not hers—meaning you’re the one who cares about it. You must take the responsibility and don’t expect her to.
Perhaps once a week provide a special treat for everyone. She will be angry for a while. Of course. Accept that and validate her feelings but do what you know is best.
Instead of expecting her to limit YouTube time so she is not distracted from the things she doesn’t enjoy like homework, expect that of course she is going to get on YouTube whenever she can. Again, remove the temptation. Let her know that to help keep her focused, you will put a control on her device until homework time is over because, of course, the temptation is too great. Again expect dissent.
Also, I suggest that as often as you can, watch with her. Let her know you want to know what interests her. Don’t criticize what she watches, instead ask her what it is about the program she enjoys. You can also tell her what you don’t like and why but not a blanket criticism—just your opinion. Let her simply tune out into nonsense—especially if she is a diligent student. We all need to let our brains veg for a short period of time.
Problems arise when your expectations are unrealistic—She should be able to self-regulate sweets and YouTube—that your fears get the better of you. Adjust your expectations and take the responsibility that is yours.
This is a practical application for my last newsletter on boundaries vs. limits. Be sure and read “Healthy Boundaries Are Necessary to Set Good Limits” if you missed it.
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