Tag Archives: authority

“Wait, aren’t I the parent here?” Using Your Parent Authority

The human child remains with a parent until the child is capable of making his own decisions about his health, safety, and well-being. The parent holds authority over this child until that time — usually through the teen years.

That’s the reason for parent authority. It is not to control the child to be who the parent wants or to demand obedience to make life easier for the parent. This leads to power struggles and rebellion or looking to others for authority and approval.

Your job as parent is to insure that your child does what she shouldn’t be expected to do on her own – simply because she’s too young.

Rick Trinkner of the University of New Hampshire has researched the types of families who raise self-confident, self-controlled, respectful children. Trinkner says,

When children consider their parents to be legitimate authority figures, they trust the parent and feel they have an obligation to do what their parents tell them to do. This is an important attribute for any authority figure to possess, as the parent does not have to

Q. How do you encourage gratitude in your children when they receive gifts? Mine just tear into them and could care less where they came from. I feel the cold stares from my family members when they are not acknowledged, or I have to tell my kids to say thank you. They’re old enough to know better.

A. Expression of gratitude is not to be expected in the early years of naturally egocentric development—generally before six or seven. The egocentric stage means they are not cognitively able to step out of their own spere to see and comprehend how someone else experiences life. Consideration for someone’s else’s feelings is often expected way too early. That doesn’t mean it’s not a good idea to tell them how you feel and validate their feelings when expressed. But to say, How do you think your friend would feel if you grabbed a toy from him? in an effort to teach kindness, will only feel like blame to your under six child and could set her back even further in self-protective mode.

10 Ways to Get Respect from Your Child

We want our children to grow to be happy and successful, yes — but more specifically, to be responsible, respectful, grateful, honest, kind, empathic, helpful and giving to others. The irony is that traditional methods of parenting — varying degrees of reward and punishment, threats and criticizing — teaches exactly the opposite.

In my 30 years of working with parents on how to better connect with their children (ultimately resulting in better behavior), I have learned one thing over and over and over. It’s all about relationship. In order to get respect from our children, we need to be respectful of them. Nothing else needs to be taught about how to be a good person that consistent work on a gratifying and mutually respectful relationship doesn’t teach. But it’s not simple.

Developing a Respectful Relationship with Your Child Involves:

Understanding the power of connection. Empathizing with and understanding your child’s agenda, instead of telling them what to do and expecting it to be done according to your agenda.
This may be the hardest — stepping back and trusting your

What does the word discipline conjure up for you? Takes you right back to childhood, right? Did you like being disciplined? I bet not.

When I talk about the benefits of shared power, connection, and problem solving, parents inevitably ask, “Are you saying that we shouldn’t discipline our children?” or “Isn’t that undermining my authority?” Great questions.

The dictionary defines discipline as “using punishment to correct disobedience”. However self-discipline is defined as “train[ing] oneself to do something in a controlled and habitual way”. When you discipline yourself, do you inflict punishment on yourself? A sacrifice may be necessary but only if you want a new habit more than you want the old one.

The derivation of the word discipline is “from the Latin disciplina ‘instruction, knowledge'” as in disciple. We know that children learn best when they are fully engaged in experiential instruction—not through the experience of isolation, shame or losing privileges. A mother came into one of my weekly groups with an assignment from her five year old. He said, “Mom, ask your parenting group what you should do

Can You Be Friends with Your Child?

Wish I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard, Never be friends with your child. The thinking behind this, I presume, is that children need a parent’s authority; they do not need to be a confidante. True enough. However, does the separation of friend and parent give permission to treat children differently from how we treat friends?

Imagine saying to your friends:
“Mona, don’t eat so many appetizers or you’ll spoil your dinner. I worked hard on this meal. Don’t fill up on cheese and crackers. Fred, pick up your napkin. Where were you born, in a barn? Mona, did you hear me? Why don’t you ever listen to me? Stop reaching, Fred. Honestly, you make me so mad. Ok, that’s it. Hand over that iPhone until after dinner.”

On the contrary, it would behoove us to treat our children much more like dear friends—with respect, consideration, support, and care. We cherish our friends and put effort into maintaining trusting, connected relationships in which we listen to each other, have empathy for one another but also have good

Understanding Shared Power

When I tell parents to share power with their child, they get nervous. “Wait, I’m the parent? Aren’t I the one in charge?” Absolutely. Sharing power means that you both stand in your personal power. It does not mean that your child has the same power that you do. You are the parent, the authority, the one in charge, and the more you are confident in that power, the safer and more cared for your child feels. It’s when you lose it, when your temper flares and you feel out of control that your child feels unsafe and confused and will react accordingly. When power is lost, your child fears what is happening and may grab what power he can.

We have a choice—we can hold the power, giving our child none, keeping the dominator model; we can give our power away when we lack confidence, are afraid of power and give our children more than they can handle; or we can share it, insuring that all family members feel confident, strong and able to get their needs met. A