Tag Archives: communication

Recovering from a Shame Reaction: Rebuilding Connection and Healing Together

Parent and ChildNo matter how hard we try to parent without shame, there will be moments when we react in ways we regret. Maybe we snap at our child for making a mess, call them “selfish” when they refuse to share, or roll our eyes when they ask a question for the hundredth time (I have done all of these things at some point in my parenting, BTW). In those moments, shame sneaks into our words and tone, and we see the impact in our child’s face—hurt, withdrawal, or defensiveness. To be fair, parents are just as entitled to their true feelings and emotions as our children are – and sometimes children simply drive us crazy!

The good news? It’s never too late to repair. Even when you have lost your cool and reacted in old patterns all is not lost. Parents are people too. Parenting isn’t about being perfect; it’s about learning, growing, and reconnecting after mistakes. And when we take responsibility for our reactions, we teach our children that mistakes don’t define them—or us.

Step 1: Recognizing the Shame Reaction

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The Hidden Impact of Shame (And How to Parent Without It)

Parent ShamingShame is one of the most powerful emotions a child can experience, yet it often goes unnoticed in the way we parent. It hides behind tantrums, defiance, withdrawal, and even dishonesty. When children feel shame, they don’t just feel bad about what they’ve done—they feel bad about who they are. And that can change how they see themselves for years to come.

Many of us were raised with shame as a tool for behavior control. Phrases like, “You should be ashamed of yourself,” “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or even an exasperated sigh and eye roll can send a powerful message: There’s something wrong with you. As parents, we may not even realize we’re doing it. But when we shame our children, even unintentionally, we may be reinforcing the very behaviors we’re trying to change.

Shame vs. Guilt: What’s the Difference?

Shame and guilt are often confused, but they are very different emotions. Guilt is about what we do, while shame is about who we are. Guilt can be helpful—it tells us we’ve made a mistake and Read more…

Teaching Emotional Literacy: The Language of Feelings

Emotional LiteracyEmotional intelligence is a powerful tool for building strong, healthy relationships. It helps us understand our own emotions, empathize with others, and navigate life’s challenges. One of the most important skills in developing emotional intelligence is emotional literacy. Emotional literacy is the ability to recognize, understand, express, and manage emotions in oneself and others. It is truly the foundation for connection. Emotional Literacy starts long before the classroom, at home, with parents modeling and teaching the language of feelings to each other every day. 

Young ChildAs soon as children are born, they begin to recognize and respond to others’ emotions. This is how they secure their survival and ensure that they are fed, cared for, and loved. In fact, the bulk of emotional understanding begins before kids even learn their ABCs. However, emotional literacy is a lifelong skill that evolves with experience and guidance.

Why Emotional Literacy Matters

Grown-ups often get upset when kids cry, hit, throw things, or tantrum. This can be even more frustrating for a parent whose child has a regulation challenge like ADHD where children may struggle Read more…

Parent Anxiety: How It Affects Children and Effective Ways to Manage It

Anxious ParentAnxiety seems to be on everyone’s minds right now, especially parents. With so much going on in the world, with our relationships and work, and with our children, it’s easy to become overwhelmed, short-tempered, and exhausted. All parents want their children to feel happy, safe and loved. But sometimes, our own worries can get in the way. Worry and anxiety can creep into our lives like water through cracks in the foundation of our homes, making us feel overwhelmed or stuck. The good news is that we can leverage some of these natural, albeit big, emotions to build stronger, healthier relationships with our children by understanding our worries and fears and learning how to manage them.

What is Parent Anxiety?

Parent anxiety is when we feel worried or stressed about our children, their futures, or our role as parents. It’s normal to worry from time to time. But when those worries become overwhelming, they can make it harder for us to enjoy parenting or make clear decisions. For example, you might constantly worry about your child getting hurt or failing Read more…

New Year’s Resolutions for Building Better Connections with Your Children

Winter Walk As the calendar turns to a new year, many of us reflect on the past and set resolutions for the months ahead. While goals like exercising more or saving money are common, the start of a new year is also the perfect time to focus on family relationships, especially the ones with your children.

Parenting can be overwhelming, and it’s easy to feel caught up in the daily grind. But this year, let’s aim to build better connections with our kids, deepen curiosity about who they are, practice patience in the tough moments, and commit to self-care so we can parent from a place of balance and strength.

These resolutions aren’t about perfection; they’re about being intentional and creating opportunities for growth, connection, and love. Let’s explore how to make these goals part of your parenting journey.

1. Build Stronger Connections

At the heart of parenting is connection. When kids feel connected to their parents, they are more likely to feel secure, valued, and loved. Strengthening this bond doesn’t require grand gestures. It’s the small, everyday moments that matter most. Read more…

The “Wait until 8th” Pledge

Mom and DaughterQ.  As I navigate my way through the influence of technology my fears are around knowing that I have a certain amount of control right now while my kids are 5 and 7, but what about later? I’ve taken the “Wait Until 8th” pledge, committing to not giving my kids phones until at least 8th grade. And even then, I would lean toward “dumb” phones. But perhaps what scares me most is how being on social media will affect them when they reach that stage. It’s something I never had to experience myself. The bullying, anxiety, eating disorders, and everything else that stems from the weight of that world frightens me. And what I hear from others and read in The Anxious Generation, is that kids find a way to be on those platforms, even when devices are limited at home. What can I do now to set them up for the healthiest possible choices since they’ll likely “find a way” once they reach teenagehood.

A. Good for you. I am hoping that by the time your children are Read more…

Turn “Potty Talk” into “Body Talk”

You know that stage-when your child thinks using “potty talk” is just too fun and funny to stop. But, what motivates this “rude” behavior?

Q: We have a boy 4 turning 5 next month, and we really have a lot of toilet talk going on. We’ve tried ignoring it and eSilly Kidxplaining why it’s not okay and that it’s not okay to use in our house, nothing seems to work he just lays around and says: penis, boobies, vagina and others – no swear words but typical toilet talk. He will poke me or others and say I can see your booby, bum bum etc. also with his 1 year old sister and dogs etc. One older friend exacerbates this, and we notice that when they are together it is much worse but our almost 5 yo certainly says it too much. Any advice would be appreciated as it’s starting to be such a theme and hard to help him know that it’s not okay to yell this and say it all the time.

A. I’m afraid he yells these Read more…

Focus on Trust to Encourage Your Child’s Potential

Trust

How do you think your kids experience you? Do they expect loving, positive attention  and trust or criticism and judgement? Or no attention at all until they cause a problem? Watch yourself and see what they respond to.

Whenever you yell, threaten, punish, or use that blaming tone that turns your child “parent deaf”, you are teaching your children that they are a problem—because you see them as a problem. What you want is the problem to end, but what you are focusing on—what your child is doing wrong—makes the problem worse.

What you want to grow is your child’s capability.

So trust your child’s capability to overcome problems. This requires a mindset shift and understanding what trust really means. Your trust is needed 24/7, especially if your child is behaving in untrustworthy ways.

It’s not about trusting behavior or even your child’s current motivations. It’s about trusting who your child is and that he wants to do things right. The fact that things are going wrong can be corrected by your change in focus.

Focus on what you

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Healthy Boundaries are Necessary to Set Good Limits

Healthy SnackBoundaries refer to the separation of responsibilities between me and my child. Limits refer to what behaviors I am ok with and what I am not. To have appropriate limits, it is essential to establish healthy boundaries.

Your child’s thoughts, emotions and behavior are NOT your responsibility. 

Your thoughts, emotions and behavior are your responsibility, never your child’s.

You are not responsible for your child’s happiness. You are 100% responsible for everything you say and do.

This principle of responsibility underlies the effective and successful application of any and all of your parenting. This is a strong boundary.

But do you look at your children’s behavior as a reflection of your parenting? Do you see acting out behavior as a sign of your inadequacy? Do you feel resentful when you do so much and get so little appreciation? If yes, your boundaries need some shoring up.

Healthy Boundaries 

A boundary is the dividing line between me and my child (or anyone). On my side of the boundary, I know what my problems, emotions, behavior, and responsibilities are. And I do Read more…

Empathy in Action: Nurturing Growth in Your Child

Cuddles

When parents direct their kids and tell them what they should do to improve themselves, it lands on the child as I’m not okay the way I am, instead of empathy in action.  

Q. “How can I help my 8 year old son understand that I love him just the way he is AND I want him to grow, learn and improve? He says he feels humiliated and ashamed every time I ask him to learn something new because he feels like I’m saying he needs to be better than he already is.”

A. How wonderful that your son can tell you how your requests feel to him. So many kids just cram their feelings inside, and so many parents dismiss and deny their remarks with comments like, “That’s not true. I love you just the way you are. I just want you to learn to do new things.”

That sounds logical—to the mind of an adult. But an eight year old doesn’t read it that way. 

The hard part for the parent is to listen and learn from the Read more…