Tag Archives: problem solve

Sept ’19 Q&A – What to Do About Lying

Q. My 9 yo son recently stole some money, told me he didn’t, and that his friends must have. Then he planted the money in his sister’s room to frame her before telling me to, “search my room”. I’ve no idea what to say or do. I asked him repeatedly. I left a pot out for the money to be put back anonymously, and then he hides it in his sister’s room.

A. This is a tough situation for all of you. I’m sure there are deeper issues besides the coverup of the money that have led to this situation and need to be addressed. I suspect that underneath the behavior (lying), which is always a signal to a deeper need, there are trust issues. Namely that your son doesn’t trust you because he has learned that you don’t trust him, and therefore he is doing what he can to get away with what he wants. Nothing wrong with a child trying to get what he wants. But when he becomes devious to do it, then there is a problem. The deviousness comes out of a fear that he can’t get what he wants otherwise. There is not trust.

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The Reasons I am a Connective Parent

I choose to be a connective parent because flexibility and self-direction are the two top competencies needed to succeed in the 21st Century.

I choose to empathize with my child because understanding another’s point of view is paramount in establishing good relationships.

I don’t engage in power struggles with my child because a win/lose model never wins.

I don’t use time out because I don’t think it’s right to isolate a child who is having a problem.

I don’t spank or hit because I don’t want to teach my child that using physical force is a way to get what you want.

I don’t take away privileges because I don’t think that intentionally provoking my child’s anger or resentment is the way to gain cooperation.

I don’t ground my child or take away access to what is important to him because it won’t seem fair or logical, and he will assume that I don’t understand him.

I choose to problem solve with my children instead of punish or dole out consequences because it is important for them to express their feelings and work through a problem to find it’s solution and make compromises with the needs and wishes of others.

I don’t fix my child’s problems because I want to instill in him my trust that he can solve his own problems—so he will always come to me with his problems knowing I will support him and not tell him what to do.

I don’t ask my child to solve my problems and make my life easier or more convenient because I take responsibility for my own problems and feelings.

I don’t take responsibility for my child’s feelings and desires but I do take full responsibility for everything I say and do because I want to model strong boundaries for my children.

I treat my children respectfully even when setting limits because that’s how I want them to treat others.

I step into my child’s shoes to understand her perspective because I always want her to know that I accept her unconditionally.

I consider myself my child’s authority figure and guide but not his boss or director.

I take my child’s unacceptable behavior as a sign that she is having a problem, not being a problem—so I look to what may be causing her problem.

I don’t blame or criticize my child because I don’t want him to react defensively.

I allow my children to argue with me and negotiate because I want them to have the benefit of developing their own opinions and good negotiating skills.

I choose relationship above and beyond all else because in the end that is what matters most.

 

These are only a few reasons for using a connective approach. Please add your own in the comments.

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