Category Archives: Anxiety

Change Your Beliefs; Change Your Experience

The beliefs we each hold can sustain us, move us forward, and hold us. They can also sabotage our desires and drive our lives in a direction we either don’t want to go or, more likely, are too afraid to change. But the good news is we can tackle those beliefs and change them—or at least change the way we experience them.

For instance, I have always (or since high school anyway) believed that I was not very smart. That belief limited my thinking about what was possible for me in my life. Then I realized my belief got planted after a high school history teacher told me I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I didn’t even know what that meant at the time, but I did know it was a derogatory remark about my intelligence. I have never forgotten that moment. Who knows where she was coming from? Maybe she was having a bad day, maybe she really didn’t think I had a good perspective on history. Who cares!! What matters is that I let that moment

A guide for conversations with kids about the virus, the protests, and race.

There’s a lot of material online about how to talk to kids about the state of the world right now. But you also want them to think for themselves. Kids are so used to being told what to do, what to think, what to feel, they don’t get much opportunity to grow opinions about the world. They need to have their own opinions to expand and develop. This needs to be cultivated. The current state of the world lends itself to cultivation. The following is my guide to help you engage your children in thinking rather than simply telling them what you want them to think.

Rule of thumb when teaching children: Start from what they know.

Fairness

Kids are great judges of fairness. Under age 6ish, cognitive development means it’s pretty hard for them to think about what is fair for another if it means they lose out. But if they’re not involved in the problem, they know what’s fair and what’s not. You will find

May ’20 Q&A – Hitting a Wall?

Q. I’m utterly overwhelmed. I’m resentful of those who have support from a partner and grandparents and guilty for feeling resentful. Frustrated that there’s no end in sight. Exhausted, emotionally and physically. Sad. I miss my family and friends. Lonely. 3 kids 1, 4 and 8 entirely on my own. Working 60 hours a week. Trying to be grateful I’m employed but there is no balance possible when you have 3 kids in tow. I don’t bathe or sleep without them and if I try they scream or immediately ‘need’ me for something which is their anxiety showing up. It’s endless. How do I stay sane?

A. One Mom I know describes her covid situation as “drowning in humans”. This sounds like yours as well. I cannot presume to solve your problems, but I hope we can reduce your angst.

First, go right ahead and feel resentful. Who wouldn’t in your shoes? Let go of that guilt. You have every right. Lonely and physically exhausted, sure. No way around that. But let’s try to unload the emotional exhaustion somewhat.

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There’s a Crack in Everything

These are dark times even though it’s getting lighter outside. None of us ever imagined—even a month ago—that we would be sheltered in our homes, fearing the coronavirus, learning daily the frightening number of new cases and deaths, unable to get together with friends and family, wearing masks when food supplies must be refilled, and disinfecting mail and groceries.

Who knew we would either be lucky enough to be home with children scrambling to figure out how to homeschool and keep them occupied or unlucky enough to be an “essential worker” unable to be home with children out of school for who knows how long? Or to be alone. Or to be sick.

The unknown is frightening. When will Covid-19 be a thing of the past? Will it? When will we feel safe to send our kids back to school? Will we have a job, a business, a salary when this is over? Will town businesses, restaurants, and theaters reopen? What will life be like?

My favorite Leonard Cohen song is Anthem. I get a chill every time I hear,

Q. Stuck at home with three kids is bad enough but one of them is going to drive me insane. My older and my younger are doing their work and managing okay, but my 8 yr. old refuses to do his school work, along with everything else, and has regular meltdowns. He’s always been tough and resistant to what I want him to do, but now he just won’t do anything I say and is starting to use profanity toward me and my husband. I yell, send him to his room, but mostly just give up. What else can I do?

A. I’m sure you are the voice of so many parents all over the world today cooped up at home with the whole family. You are scared and anxious, not to mention frustrated with kids underfoot all day long. So are your kids.

I am going to assume that your 8 yr. old is what I call an Integrity child. That means his individual make-up (not your doing) is extremely sensitive. He was born with a core sense of

What If I Mess Up?

Am I screwing up my child? Have I failed? I’m so afraid it’s too late. Ever have these fears? Well, you’re in good company. Parents, mothers mostly, worry far too much about failing as a parent. It can be a debilitating fear that obstructs making connection with a child.

I’d like to convince you that your failures can be your child’s best teachers—if you’re willing to own up to them and learn.

Hey, we’re all human. We all lose it, we all make mistakes, sometimes huge ones. That doesn’t mean we can’t recover and move on better than ever. Your children need to see you falling down and getting back up again so they can do that too. And when you mess up with your child, recovery means connection and repair. Repair teaches humanity, humility, responsibility, and strength.

The Do-Over is one of the most powerful repair tools a parent has. And the beauty of it is that you get to choose when to use it. No need to worry about doing your best at those times when you feel

Q. How can I help my 8 year old son understand that I love him just the way he is AND I want him to grow, learn and improve? He says he feels humiliated and ashamed every time I ask him to learn something new because he feels like I’m saying he needs to be better than he already is. His resilience is low and I’m trying to help him using all the techniques I can find. The school is trying to help also but last term he got a detention for not following instructions and then was so ashamed of himself that it really set him back again.

A. It sounds like you have a sensitive son, which means he’s probably quite perceptive and intuitive in ways many kids aren’t. If that’s true, he will be extra sensitive to criticism and might perceive criticism when you don’t intend it that way. He may read you as telling him what to and then think you will be disappointed in him if he doesn’t do it or learn it the way

What to do When Your Button Gets Pushed

We all know what it’s like to lose it with a child. When that button gets pushed, you see red, your authority and sanity flies out the window and you say and do things you swore you never would. It feels like there’s nothing you can do about it—but there is. Once you know that button belongs to you, and your reaction is your responsibility, not your child’s to change so you can stay calm, the job of uncovering that button and identifying it is the next step. It’s a peeling away process, and the layers to be peeled are not at all obvious for most of us.

After a button-pushing situation, take the time to dig. It’s easiest to start with your reactions. If you didn’t like your reaction, write down what you did.

Reaction: When that happened, I blew up and screamed.

Then think about how you felt. Your emotions are one word. I felt like I was a terrible parent is a thought. The feeling might be hopeless.

Feelings: I felt used, resentful, unappreciated.

Okay great, you

Q. There were recently two child suicides in neighboring towns to us in less than two weeks, one of them a 13 year old. How does this happen? How can I protect my tween from a similar fate? I am at a loss. What is happening in the world??

A. Too many children all over the country seem to be feeling so forsaken that ending their lives is the only answer. How does anyone, much less a child, come to this conclusion? I cannot presume to have the answer. What we are left with is the question: How do we protect our children from such devastating despair?

In 2017, the suicide rate for 15-19 year olds was up 47% from 2000, the highest level in two decades. This doesn’t include 13 year olds. Much of the rise has to do with increased drug use and the effects of social media. But the question must address more fundamental layers. Many young people can resist drug use or moderate it. All are subject to social media. Some have addictive tendencies that are

Talking to Your Kids About Gun Violence

Every parent in the US has justified fear for their children’s safety—as well as their own. Even though mass shootings are sparse, when two happen in one weekend, it feels like an everyday occurrence. As we enter the new school year, we wonder—could it happen here? Walking into a big box store or fast food restaurant can trigger the same fear. What is a parent to do or say to a child in this climate of gun violence? I don’t presume to have answers, but I share my thoughts on how to help ourselves and then our children manage horrible situations beyond our control.

We must remind ourselves that “normal” life is more prevalent than mass killings. Although they are on the rise, mass shootings account for less than 2% of annual gun deaths according to gun violence research. Fear and worry about shootings happening in their safe little town would not have helped the victims of these tragedies. Easy to say, I know, but if we are full of fear, that fear communicates to our kids. They become anxious.